Hard to write this....

This is a really difficult post, but I think it is good to get it out there. I am continuing the story of the point where I am about to give birth. I very excited to give birth to my first child. I started to feel light contractions, but nothing I hadn't really felt before. My husband gets called out at 1am to a hostage barricade of some sort for work. I could tell that maybe I was starting to feel something. It was pretty hard to sleep, but at about 6am I got up and decided to start packing and take a shower. They tell you it is going to be a while until you are truly in labor, so start timing them. I wasn't really able to tell if they were consistently every 10 minutes or what. They started to get stronger, so I texted Johnny that this is probably it. He told me to call his parents to drive me and he would meet me at the hospital.

I called them and got everything ready. They showed up and we drove to the hospital. When we got there the nurses hooked me up to some contraptions to monitor the heartrate and were having a hard time finding it. They kept telling me that he was probably hiding or the machine was broken. Shortly after they called the doctor in with the Ultrasound and he had a very bad look on his face. He then told me that they weren't finding a heartbeat. He decided to break my water and then indicated that he feels there was a faint heartbeat and they would need to do an emergency c-section.

At this point, my husband just got to the hospital and stood by me as they prepped me for surgery. I didn't really know what to feel, think, say or do. I think all I wanted to do was anything I could to assist them in a quick surgery to get the baby out. I was super still and did everything they said. Johnny held me during the surgery and after a lot of pulling and tugging they pulled the baby out. They whisked him away and started CPR behind me. I couldn't think or feel. Johnny was telling me he wasn't breathing and I was just holding all hope that somehow somebody was wrong and this wasn't happening. Everything had to turn out alright.

I don't know the point where they told me he didn't make it. I just remember them wheeling me out and shaking from the medication. A little while later they let me hold my baby in my arms. He lay still and quiet. I really don't think I knew what to think or feel. I was most likely a bit in shock. This was the worst day of my life.







Till Next Time,